The First Counseling Session
In the beginning, the counseling process can seem vague and uncertain. Whatever your reasons are for seeking help, you will be more at ease and get better results if you know what to expect. In the first session I ask questions, take notes, and ask you as a couple to talk directly to me, and ask that you not talk over each other or interrupt. This may feel foreign as I am starting the process of asking you to interact and communicate differently.
In our first session, I typically will ask certain questions about you and your life. I want to get to know you and hear about your relationship. This information helps me make an initial assessment of your situation. Questions I might ask include:
What brings you in to counseling? Why counseling now?
A particular issue has probably led you to seek counseling. I want to understand your present issues so that we can have a clear direction.
Your personal history and current situation. I will ask you some questions about your life. For example, because family situations play an important role in which you are, I will ask about your family history and your current family situation.
Your current symptoms. Other than knowing the reason you sought therapy, I will attempt to find out if you’re suffering from other symptoms of your problem. For example, your problem might be causing difficulty at work; irritability, problems with sleep, or feeling like you just want to be alone. I will use this information to better understand your problem and make an assessment for the direction of counseling.
Counseling is a collaborative effort. Take an active part in the session and you will find that the counseling experience is more valuable. Here are some things you can do to make your first session as successful as possible.
Be ready. Before you get to the session, know how to describe “what’s wrong,” and to describe your feelings about your problem. One way to prepare is to write down the reasons you’re seeking help. Make a list and then read it out loud. Hearing yourself say it a few times will help you describe things more clearly in counseling.
Ask questions. The more you understand the counseling experience or how counseling works, the more comfortable you’ll be. Ask questions about the counseling process, and ask me to repeat anything you don’t understand.
Check Your Expectations. Be sure to go to your first session with realistic expectations. Counseling is not a quick fix for your problem; rather it is a process. With some effort on your part and a strong relationship with your counselor, it can be a successful tool toward resolving problems.
Setting Outcomes for Counseling. During our first session we will set some goals for counseling and I will talk about some of the ways I think I can be helpful.
From my perspective, couples counseling is working when any or all of the following is happening:
1) You are more aware of how to communicate your needs
without criticizing your partner. Learning the difference between a complaint and a criticism.
2) You have uncovered what essential kind of growth you need to do in order to make it easier for your partner to give you what you need. You actively experiment with adjusting your behavior and monitor how, in turn, it affects your partner's behavior.
3) You have identified caring gestures that both of you have stopped doing and have committed to start doing these again. You actively and consciously add the positive into your relationship.
4) You have begun to identify your "ways out" that take energy away from the connection to your partner, and have committed to closing as many exits as possible.
5) You are open to consider the possibility that your complaints and frustrations about your partner are primarily your issues (you can't control your partner). I call this the 90/10 principle. You take 90% responsibility for your frustrations and your partner takes 10%. This means that you categorically stop blaming your partner for your frustrations. You begin to articulate your concerns in a way that invites your partner's understanding and help.
